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| it's almost the end of 2007. how did that happen??
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| 1:40 am and i'm not tired at all. new things will do that to you. new neighborhood, new roomates, new bike, no car, lots of new people, places, situations. new job? i'm leaping for something pretty ambitious - part of me thinks i'm getting in way over my head - the rest of me wants that nagging part of me to stay silent and swallow all fear.
i'm in the same city but feel like i stepped into a new world.
i spent half of my 4th of july getting drenched with my roommate under one umbrella -still clinging on for dear life - mine had already kicked it with the first gust of wind. searching for friends from san francisco - lost in a different city's torrential downpour. several hours later, completely drenched, freezing and annoyed we resorted to going home and cooking. when we actually heard the fireworks going off we threw on our shoes and ran to the biggest clearing- pretty great ending to a pretty crappy night.
my night didn't end there. a 2am bike ride to an undisclosed location. i have never seen the streets so dead - they were roped off to herd the masses. everyone probably sleeping, passed out or sitting. it felt like that scene from Vanilla Sky - where the entire street is dead quiet. just me and ticking of my Schwinn - fueled by words that desperately needed to be spoken.
it was worth it.
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| if you could drop everything and put all your energy into one creative outlet, what would it be?
for me it would be music.
i would go back and learn everything the right way. piano. guitar. voice. violin. cello. music is one of the few things in life that truly moves me and allows me to forget everything else. it blurs the lines between fantasy and reality - but sometimes it seems the emotions and ideas that stem from music are much more reality than our normal perceived reality. humans are limited by words - by their language and how well they can or can't communicate. yeah.. i just typed "there" and fixed it to "their." limited. backwards. dyslexic. ill-communicated. i'm not good at speaking what i'm thinking. i'm better at writing but still i find myself repeating - myself - tripping over my own words. using dull, monotonous vernacular. using words like vernacular that sound ugly to avoid saying "words" again. i can see the red ink on rushed English essays - "too repetitive! too wordy! you need to collect your thoughts!"
yeah. no kidding.
i have great admiration for authors. how they manage to pull all their ideas together into one piece they feel is exactly what they wanted to say. or at least good enough to let go of it as it is.
i go off on tangents. i just did. wasn't i talking about music?
when writing music - tangents can be good. they can lead to better things and new ideas. in speech, in writing - tangents just seem to lead to people telling me they aren't following me. but i know this is me. for some people, they can create masterpieces with words. i'd like to be like this.
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| okay here goes. *deep breathe*
i had the dream again last night. it's a reoccurring dream i've had for years. most people have them i think..but maybe not quite like this. i dream that i'm in this bathroom stall - its a public bathroom and usually there are actually no stalls at all. everything is filthy - like something straight out of reservoir dogs. sometimes it even looks like a jail cell. i can not even express the sickening feeling this dream gives me. i am never alone but always trying to get away from these strangers. the bathrooms usually have showers also - but again, nothing separates each one. its a mixture of highschool locker room and concentration camp.
is this weird?
anyway - this dream comes and goes at different times in my life. but whenever it comes back its usually when things are pretty rough. i really started to wonder what this meant - so a couple months ago i started to look through a dream dictionary.. then a few of them. they all pretty much said the exact same thing.
they said to dream about public bathrooms meant that i feel like i have no privacy. but it went on further to say to dream of a public bathroom without stalls means that i am unable to express myself as much as i need to/want to and i'm pent up with all kinds of repressed thoughts and emotions. it also said that things in my past are haunting me.
all of the above - true.
my minds always been a BIT overactive. but lately its been on fire. i've seen so many lives hindered and destroyed by deception, addiction and unhealthy patterns - i find myself always running frantically from the norm. but i have trouble finding balance. i'd like to also leave out the sarcasm..cynicism and just have love for people. i feel like a terrible friend. i keep most things to myself because i assume that no one would actually understand or listen. or id they could and did - would they care - or would they just think i'm crazy and i "need to stop thinking so much."
people constantly joke that i should write a book about all the things i've been through. but everyone goes through some crazy things at one point or another. every life is a different path - the paths in mine just happened to get twisted at a much younger age than most i know. i'm thankful for this in a way - because its helped me understand so many different perspectives. but it also leaves me with this huge vault of memories/images - some of which are very painful -and i would like to, please, unlock my brain, dump them out and light them on fire.
i want an empty vault. i want a clean slate. i feel like i let very few people know me because of the vault itself.
there's so many details about our brains, our bodies, our human spirit that are too complex and baffling. i don't understand why one human is content to watch football and sleep/drink their days away and i can barely sleep at night analyzing every small detail. which is worse? both can be deadly in their own way.
I thought about these while watching The Illusionist last night. I loved this movie. Things are not what they seem. They are much more terrible/wonderful. We are easily deceived..easily lost...easily distracted.
No matter how confusing or chaotic life gets - I always come back to this realization. We are merely human - with minds unable to comprehend the vastness and complexity of our universe, our surroundings and certainly each other. We are all connected - and all tragically disconnected.
No man is an island - but each man has to build passageways to other islands, or he will eventually die from starvation and loneliness. That was probably a terrible analogy. But it made sense to me.
Now we see but a poor
reflection as in a mirror;
then we shall see face to face.
Now I know
in part; then I shall know fully,
even as I am fully known.
-1 Corinthians 13:12
"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves...
Don't search for the answers,
which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is,to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future,
you will gradually, without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer."
-Rainer Maria Rilke
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| i'm back!
i just browsed through my subscriptions here and realized i missed hearing what was going on in everyone's lives.
that - and the fact life is insane and i need to rant to a faceless audience.
oh yeah.
i'm back.
i wonder if anyone will even get this? i guess i'll have to seek you out.
-d
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